Celia takes a deep breathe

[celia60]

So, I got a phone call from my mother today with good news. That's unusual.

After a little over 2 years on his own, my grandfather has decided to get married. I haven't met her yet. They started seeing each other more than a year ago. I'm happy for him. I remember how lonely he was the first Christmas after her death.

My Grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer in July of 2000. She'd been smoking most of her life. When we were in Vegas celebrating thier 50th wedding anniversary, she had some pain in her shoulder after a round of golf. A few weeks later, they got it checked out. The tumors that were already filling both of her lungs had started to spread to the rest of her body, wrapping around her shoulder. This was diagnosed far too late for her to have any chance of cure.

Those of us who had time stayed to help out around the house. I had the last week of August, between semesters. During that week unnoticed fluid build up in her chest caused a heart attack. They gave her about 4 months to live.

My family tried applying guilt to get me to move our wedding date up so that she could be there. Guilt has never worked well on me. She'd said that she wanted to live long enough to see one of her grandchildren get married, so I figured that gave her a lot more than 4 months.

Chemo and radiation were, of course, only to slow the progress and dull the symptoms so that she could enjoy what little time she had left. As soon as she was able, my grandparents resumed the nomadic life they've enjoyed on and off since his retirement. She easily reached her first goal of Christmas. They travelled around the country and visited all their friends and family. They came to our wedding in July of 2001. She was tired, but she was doing very well.

She died September 12th, 2001, after more than a year of fighting. She lived 3 times as long as they'd predicted. The woman had serious willpower.

After that week in August, I was completely numbed. I went back to work and barely blinked when my boss put the new guy in my office. The new guy who was returning to college after his own recovery from cancer. Even knowing that she wouldn't survive it, having him around was an amazing comfort to me.

Yes, this is the guy who called to tell me about his reoccurance a few months ago. And today, a little after getting off the phone with my mother, I got an email from him with this:

Friends, I will tell you that this time around, the cancer has taken something from me that I had tightly clutched until now. I have lost my belief that I will survive. I tell you this because I want everyone to realize the BIG difference between believing you will die, and wanting to die. I want to live much much more than you could EVER imagine. EVER. But I do not believe I have many years left, so I prepare for the alternative. It is something that persons my age should never have to contemplate. But this is my lot in life, and I will deal with it gracefully. Never believe that I wish myself gone, no matter what your perceptions of my condition are. I have tenaciously fought for my survival every every day for the past many years, and will continue to do so until there is nothing left to fight. I will often speak of my passing, sometimes seriously but most often in a joking manner, and will not expect anyone to do anything but hear it. You don't even have to really listen. But I will speak it anyway. I must be comfortable with it, but you do not, and should not.

and I don't know what. . . I just don't know.

So I'm going to go make dinner, and then finish some work I've been avoiding. And then I'll send my grandfather an email of congratulations. And in a few days, I'll call my friend. Maybe I'll have thought of something to say by then.

[PatrickDarwinPoyfair]

Oh man.

:(

Are you looking for advice?

[celia60]

i don't know what i'm looking for.

[PatrickDarwinPoyfair]

:(

[kwsni]

((hugs celia))

Ni!

[GreNME]

Well, you could play along with him, and get him a lifetime membership to a health club.

It's hard to hear that from someone you know, and at least care deeply about. I know what it's like—a friend in the third grade died of similar circumstances (though slightly quicker, being smaller), and I had the displeasure to watch my grandmother slowly deteriorate from several strokes and a handful of heart attacks (and still took almost twelve years). However, even while they're going through the stages of acceptance, they still need those around them while they're still present, and I don't mean they need you for comfort. At least, not in the traditional sense. Tell him you'll do what you can to be tolerant of his joking. Tell him that you don't plan on walking on eggshells with him. Mean it when you tell him. That'll make the most positive difference, I bet.

[Kama]

I wish I knew what to tell you.

(((celia)))

[Anna]

(((((Celia)))))
I'm sorry. I wish I know what to tell. I know cancer too well since it took my mother, and when she was sick I used to come to the hospital some times when she had chimiotherapy, so I met some other people fighting. Each story is different. There is not one thing you can tell or do for everyone suffering the same sickness. I'm sorry.
(((((Celia))))) again.

[celia60]

thanks, guys.

he's already gone through surgery and he starts radiation today. most of that email was detailing his radiation treatement. he's so close to beating this occurance and already he's anticipating the next one.

yes, john, of course i'll tolerate his jokes. knowing me, i'll probably add a few of my own. right now i'm giving him a few days to talk to all the people who read that and decided what he needed was to be told it would all be ok. i'll call him next week and he'll tell me that they just don't get it. and maybe i'll have thought of something to say by then.

[Noemon]

::appreciates what John said::

::isn't sure what to say himself::

::sits companionably with celia, offering a shoulder and a hug, wishing there were more he could do for her::

[Another Guest]

((celia))

[Hobbes]

((((((((((((((((((((((Celia)))))))) ))))))))))))))

:(

Hobbes :)

[saxon75]

Juliette had to watch her grandfather beat two occurences of cancer only to lose him to ALS. As many people in my life who have died, I've never had to deal with anything like that; all of those I lost were sudden. I'm not really sure which I'd prefer. Losing someone suddenly is a terrible shock, but knowing that it's coming puts a different kind of strain on everyone involved, and it's a strain that lasts for a while. Still, you have the chance to come to terms with it before it happens, and maybe you can get to a place where you can just enjoy what time you have left. You definitely get more of a chance to say goodbye.

It sounds like your friend has come to terms with his own mortality. Ultimately, we all need to do this; obviously, none of us gets out of here alive. And, as he said, accepting death is not the same as giving up on life.

I don't know if you want my opinions, but I guess I'll give them to you anyway, because you're my friend and that's what I do with friends. It will change things, because it will change the way each of you thinks about the other. And at first it will be weird, and you will have trouble knowing how to act or what to say. But it's alright that it's weird. You have to find a way to deal with the change, and that's always awkward in the beginning. But if you do care about each other, you'll get over that hump.

I know you're tough, and I know that you will figure out how to deal with this. But along the way don't be afraid to explore your own feelings. You're human, and emotions are part of the package.

Maybe you didn't need to hear any of that, and maybe you won't need anyone to talk to about this. But if you do, you know where you can find me.

[Starla*]

I' m sorry.

:(
(((((((((((((((celia))))))))))))))) )))))))))))

[Anna]

(((((Celia))))) again.

[Ethics Gradient]

I know what that's like too, Celia. One of my best friends has AIDS. He had HIV when I met him. I remember driving to his home one afternoon last summer to take him to the hospital because he was "feeling like shit." He didn't get out for weeks. When he did, he had AIDS.

Ever since I've known him he's joked about his impending death. "Hey, the joke's on them - I'll be dead before I pay back this loan" he likes to say about his university fees. "I'll be dead by thirty" is one I've heard often.

I've been hanging out with him and he's cracked a few jokes about being HIV positive and people have said "Hey man, you shouldn't make jokes about that. Some people really have HIV, you know." He looks them dead in the eye and says "Yeah, me. So I'll say whatever the hell I want. I'm not here to make it comfortable for you, you know."

But he lives life to the fullest. He loves his friends and I know he appreciates every moment he is alive. He won't give up - he fights everyday but he won't let his life become nothing but the fight. I respect that. It seems to me your friend is saying something similar.

[celia60]

Thank you all again. In a way it isn't new. This is his third round with this same cancer. I met him after the second. He had already accepted, then, that he probably only had 10 to 15 years left from the amount of damage that had already been done to his body. Somehow, though, this isn't the same. Going from an attitude that his life will be shorter to one where this will come back and kill him is just harder for me to accept.

Dammit, I want those 10 years for him so badly.

[Dragon]

((((Celia))))